Imposter’s Syndrome
Do you know, this is my fifth course for my TLL Masters? Fifth course. Which means I’ve successfully completed four courses, and (assuming I make it to the end of this semester), I will shortly be half-way done. Add on top of that the fact that I have been teaching since 2009 – 14 years, not counting my two maternity leaves – which puts me almost half-way through my career, and you would think I would feel a little more settled and sure of what I am doing.
For heavens sake, my admin team encouraged me to apply for piloting the new financial literacy course, and somehow I agreed! Even with working on my Masters, even with two younger kiddos, even with a husband who works shift work. That should tell me something about other’s perceptions about my abilities in the classroom. Right?
…..right?
When I was listening to the videos in preparation for last week’s content catalyst discussions, I found myself nodding along to a lot of what was being said, and agreeing with my computer screen. So much of what Kelsey and Kathleen were saying makes sense. Seems like common sense, even. I’m a big fan of common sense. And of Common Sense Media, wouldn’t you know? And yes, absolutely we should be doing everything that we can to incorporate digital literacy and media literacy and digital citizenship into our curricula and classes. And yes, my own courses have changed, and I’ve tried to bring in more media and and technology where I could, and considering the time I have on my hands to look into some of this stuff (which is close to none), I thought I was doing not too bad.
And then you hear people like Andrew McLuhan and Wes Fryer speak, and oh my goodness. Oh my goodness! You know that saying about how the older the get, and the more you learn, the more you realize how little you actually know?
Yeah.
So.
The logical part of my brain realizes that they are just playing at a whole ‘nother level. And just because we all have some aspects of our jobs that overlap doesn’t mean that what we are doing is the same. And when I look at it with the logical part of my brain, I can appreciate the admire the genius that those two individuals represent, and wow! Anything I posted here about the work that they are doing would not do them justice, but even in the hour that we spent with them, I was blown away by the depth and breadth of their knowledge in their areas. Some of the projects that Wes discussed doing with his students seem amazing! The family digital storytelling, looking into and understanding conspiracy theories, SIFT – all of these help to develop the critical thinking skills that our students so desperately need to function in today’s world, while also incorporating the technology they’ve had dropped into their hands and laps since they were too little to know anything else.
The not logical part of my brain sees witchcraft. It sees what others are doing, and despite the years that I’ve put in, and the education I have under my belt, and the experience that I’ve built up, I am left feeling woefully inadequate.
I had a conversation with a colleague not too long ago, about whether or not she ever questioned the impact she was truly having in the classroom, and on the lives of her students. Obviously because I am, and I do. And without even hesitating, she gave me a bit of a funny look and said “No, I can’t say that I ever have.” And I don’t know. Maybe some people really are that confident! Maybe they are comfortable enough in their own skin and knowledge to NOT question what they’re doing, and what they could be doing, and feel weighed down by guilt of “is this enough?”
I think I’ve veered off course. My point, I think, needs to be that identifying what we need to do, and the actual implementation of those changes seem to be two very different things. And I might be sounding like a broken record after last week’s post, but maybe it bears repeating. Without more support in education, without more funding, and a thoughtful shift in curriculum and policies, we are going to continue to fall behind in providing our students the full educational experience that they deserve. We are doing our best! I do know that. But I hope I’m not alone in feeling like there has to be more.
About The Author
Since switching into LST I feel like I am continually having conversations with the educational assistants, teachers, and parents of my little guys. We often talk about what do they ACTUALLY need to be successful? What does success look like? What skills do they need so that the nightmares I have about their safety don’t come true? Even more often, we have conversations reminding ourselves just how far these kids have come. The growth, and the wins, for kids with intensive needs can look different. When we sit together and discuss some frustrations and how we are going to work through them, we also make each other aware of the amazing things happening every day. I guess where I’m going with this, is sometimes it might not seem like you have an impact, but you do. You always do. I wholeheartedly agree that without more support in education, our supports are going to run so thin, that we are going to find it harder and harder to see growth because we’re already pouring from an empty cup.
Fake it until you make it. Several times a year I found myself questioning if I actually know what I am doing. Sometimes I wonder if I am really that interested in what I do. Then I find myself dreaming about school or staying up way too late scouring the web for ideas and strategies to better serve the kids in my school. Perhaps I just have trouble saying no to things and may just live on the verge of being overwhelmed too often to know what normal is in the teaching world. Ironically, when I find myself with less responsibility and more free time I get uncomfortable and worried that I have forgotten to do something. We’re on similar ships, like the RMS Olympic and the RMS Britannic. We can never really be on the same boat but at least we’re not on the Titanic.
Hi Brittany, I’m sure your thoughts resonate with many educators. It’s inspiring to see you pushing yourself to grow, even when it feels overwhelming. You’re definitely not alone in questioning the impact you have in your classrooms because that’s a sign of a reflective educator. I often grapple with imposter syndrome too, feeling like I’m not doing my best despite receiving good feedback. It usually stems from a single piece of negative criticism that makes me doubt my efforts. However, I’ve learned to adopt a growth mindset, focusing on what I can learn from these experiences. Keep up the fantastic work, your commitment to learning and improvement truly makes a difference for your students.