The white kernels pop out from the roof, I find myself looking forward yet my eyes were always only drawn to one point. The world was still swimming from earlier but the rush of adrenaline was fading and my muscles were tight and exhausted from getting here. Even as I feel the burn of my legs and the cramp in my back laying on the old carpet yet had never felt more comfortable. Where once i had felt i could never say enough i could barely find a single word or sentence to describe my emotion. I think of what I have heard and I blink away the moment; my hair is being stroked softly and I feel the soft pressure on my head, it feels strangely at home and familiar. I breathe once and my heart settles down, a second breathe then exhale, as  I draw in another my eyes reopen and stare back at an ocean of blue. In that moment I realized somebody well and truly was by my side and that room felt safer than any vault. I ask with a ring in my ear “How can you be optimistic when nothing seems to go right?” All I hear is light humming, its pitch goes softly up and then down and think of what got me here: the humming a soft reminder beating to the rush of blood. Up and down the rustle of freshly cut hair becomes a wave of water crashing to the bank, the feeling of panic and feeling trapped creeps slowly out of thought. A few words had tripped me on stage, words that i had known and had allowed the panic to overtake me blocking them from my sight.

I swing up, the feeling of wavy nausea a temporary annoyance that slowly fades away. I look around and see the feathers on the ground and can’t help but wonder how I had made such a mess. I  start to gather up the feathers and notice that there is a small pile in the corner, yet again I had been saved without noticing. I settle into the chair and she quickly goes over the eyes and powder so the lights dont glare. As I begin to pace the floor she leaves and I am alone again in the room, it feels colder and yet I still feel back at home. This school had been there and would be there for the rest of my stay under its roof. Those around me would change and fluctuate but I know the cornerstones of my life were underway. I begin to put feathers back in place all along my body and feel as if it has been hours since my last breath but i know it has only been a bit under a minute. Before the handle jiggles I am already saying lines under my breath, the door opens and I feel confident despite the fact I was no different than before. 

As I walk out I caw out: “Welcome and rejoice for you are attending the council of the birds! Whether by Owl’s wisdom or Hoopoo’s strength we must find a way, feast feast feast the raven will yet have his day!” I stare forward and am blinded by the light as usual, its glare hiding faces and stress burns away; I fail to see past the light but I know there is a smile that hides behind glasses, blue eyes looking at me and whispering support. Panic melts away and the thrill of the stage takes a grip on my heart. I would be on stage another night and I would not allow house life or another class to out-stage me. Tonight was for the birds but this was opening night, I was on here for two people and could never allow my selfishness to ruin such a moment in this second home. Nobody here was ever the popular one but we could be us just among us like nowhere else.

Blog 1 – Francios d’Auteuil