Writing the Self Three: A Peek at the Plans

I peek over the shoulders of my parents, trying to catch a glance at the plans for the new cottage. They are sitting with the designer, a friend’s mom, at our kitchen table in Southey. They talk about lights, and windows, how the stairs will look, but that is not what I am interested in seeing. Finally, they are looking at the drawing of the top floor, where my bedroom will be! I am a little frustrated that my parent’s room will look out onto the water, and I am stuck looking at the stinky driveway. I put that out of my head and imagine how I will decorate the space, and how different our life at the lake will be once we have a cabin. No more sleeping on the 5th wheel trailer’s uncomfortable pull out couch for me! I’ll be able to have a summer sleep without springs poking my back. I look at the odd shape of my room and try to envision how to arrange the furniture I don’t even have yet.

Soon, the designer leaves and my parents still sit at the large wooden table. I join them, wanting to feel included. They talk about meetings at the bank, and I try to follow along. They talk about borrowing money against our house in Southey and make plans for appraisal. I don’t understand why we need to get our home appraised, so I ask my dad. He tells me that they are going to spend some money finishing the house in Southey so that the house will be worth more money. Then the bank will be able to give us more money to build the cabin. I ask what they mean when they say the bank will borrow against our house. It had never occurred to me that we would not have enough money to just pay for the cabin in full. I still didn’t understand; I thought debt was only for poor people. I had never realized it was a common thing.

I go to my room and sit on my bed, my anxious mind racing with worry. I grab my special pink blanket and wrap it around myself as I start to go down a spiral of anxiety. What does this debt mean for our family? Have we ever been in debt before? We afford so many luxuries in our daily lives; I never had to think about it before. I worry that if something happens and we can’t pay that the bank will take both our home and our cabin away. I fear that we won’t be able to afford the things we usually do. I know that we do not go on warm holidays and opt instead to use that money over the summer for lake activities. Will that have to stop? I hear the door open, and my mom comes into my room and sits on the bed beside me. We think alike, and she must have known that I was worrying. She tells me not to be afraid, and that it is normal to borrow from the bank. I tell her that I did not realize we didn’t have enough money just to buy the cottage, and she laughs. My mom explains how much the cabin will cost and how much money my parents make in a year. I feel better after she breaks it down for me and puts my worries out of my head.